Deborah Carney

Where I Celebrate Life

2021 All About Passion

I am part of a 30 day challenge to grow my businesses over the next 30 days and I figure this is a good place to be accountable for it 🙂 We wrote a letter to ourself to detail what we would accomplish the next 30 days.

I had a plan for 2020 and had already done a LOT of groundwork for a new digital downloads business. I had to wait until after a conference in January 2020 where I had planned a large surprise celebration for founders of said conference that had sold the conference (talk about timing!!!). I detailed a lot of this in a private Facebook group so will be revisiting that group this month to reacquaint myself with the specifics I had built out.

I came home February 1st and already knew there was something brewing. Las Vegas already had cases of the “China Virus” from tourists and people that had traveled there for the major January conferences.

When I got home I had to work on my main business and had laid the groundwork to hire my grandson to upload products to Etsy and Shopify for me but got sidetracked.

Then BOOM March. I borrowed a sewing machine and got some curtains and sheets and started making masks. A friend hooked me up with a fabric manufacturer and a friend in Arizona shopped for me on Facetime and sent me fabric.
Our stores here in NYC were already shut down and online retailers were out of fabric. My daughter was also able to get me some fabric and sewing supplies in Las Vegas however by now the USPS was losing packages. A friend sent me mask making supplies from Oregon that took 2 months to get to me.

I found a manufacturer in NY that I was able to get enough fabric from to start making masks and selling them on Etsy. I hadn’t sewn in 30 years but I used to make all my own clothes.

Something to know about us is that we lost our house and all of the contents in Hurricane Sandy so I had ZERO sewing supplies, no fabric, no scraps, no old clothes, no scissors, no sewing machine, no thread. Vinny’s mom gave me some things so I could figure out if I could make masks. Then the machine she gave me broke and I ordered a machine from Singer. Fortunately a decent one was in stock. Amazon and all other online vendors were out of stock or price gouging.

The reason I am explaining this is that 2020 was a huge pivot – several of them. I work from home, I have my own businesses that are online based so didn’t suffer in that regard. But I needed to do something to help people and friends across the country rallied to buy and send me what I needed when their stores were open still and mine were not.

I now have 3 sewing machines and selling masks is a minor thing for me. Of course I donated a lot of them in the beginning and helped out getting them where they needed to go.

I have developed 3 other fabric based businesses that will continue to grow in 2021. I have the digital products business that needs to come to fruition since there are thousands of hours of work invested. And my main business needs to thrive and grow since it also helps others. I have an existing inventory of many crystal based products that need to fly to their new homes. I have combined fabric, sewing and aromatherapy into a new product that people love.

So while my letter to myself is rather vague it encompasses a lot of stuff that I will take this challenge and develop. By the end of the 30 days we will see what is going to be the biggest early winner. They will all be winners by the end of 2021.

One Day in May 2015 – the Trips that Change Things

Many of you know every May I go somewhere or do something to remove myself from “real life” on the anniversary of my youngest son’s death (May 13, 2002).

Four years ago I planned an elaborate road trip with Vinny O’Hare, Liz Fogg and Alec Ababon through Nevada and Utah to visit some parks and places I had enjoyed previously without them and wanted them to share. Due to schedules it was going to be high pressure, short times at each location.

As “luck” would have it my concussion started acting up and I wasn’t going to be able to drive and focus my camera. At the time Vinny didn’t drive yet and we had to get from Phoenix to Vegas and I didn’t like flying.

I had been watching posts in a group I was in related to birding called Birding – Arizona and the Southwest. They kept talking about all the birds and relaxing nature areas in this place called Madera Canyon which was slightly south of Tucson. We lived in Phoenix and it was about 2 and half hours away.

So I did what I do – I went online and did research on this place people seemed to love. I found websites for 3 places to stay in the canyon – all of which said “be sure to gas up in Green Valley and stop at the grocery store for supplies because there are no restaurants or gas up the canyon.” Well that was a bit scary to me but I kept checking it out.

The website for the Santa Rita Lodge was the nicest of the three places and they had availability for a couple of nights. I didn’t know yet that May was peak hummingbird time and we were lucky to stay there at all.

May 12, 2015 Vinny and I drove up the canyon road and it seemingly took FOREVER and when we got their it was closed because it was 6 or 7 and the gift shop where you check in closed at 5. We looked around and found the mailbox with an envelope with our name on it and a note that “the key is in the cabin”.

And thus began my love affair with Madera Canyon and the hummingbirds of Southeast Arizona. I loved it so much that in November 2016 we moved to Green Valley and I have been able to see the canyon from my windows and yard every day.

Tomorrow we leave this magical place but I have tens of thousands of photos and thousands of videos of not just the hummingbirds but the other birds and nature that has helped me heal emotionally and physically.

I leave with many new lifelong friends in all parts of Arizona and other states as well as my photo and birding journeys have evolved.

I know we will return but closing this chapter is emotional for me. I am grateful for every person I became friends with that I met at Santa Rita Lodge birding area, Ash Canyon Bird Sanctuary and other places in Sierra Vista, at the Paton House in Patagonia Az, and in Portal Az and in all points in between.

As we return to NYC I am already planning to work on creating the books to share all the magnificent nature that people outside this area have no idea exists.

Pay attention to the little things in your life that can turn into the big things. This was just a 3 day getaway that turned into a life changing adventure.

Depression

I wrote this in 2012 for another site and while the article is still there that site isn’t under my control so I wanted to reprint the article here in case that site disappears someday:
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April, 2012
While I was thinking about this week’s topic, I happened to be watching the tribute to Mike Wallace on 60 Minutes. I didn’t know he had lost a son in an accident. I said to myself “There’s one reason he became such a workaholic.” I lost a son to an accident as well. My life shattered that day. There are only a handful of people that I know now that knew me then.

Back to 60 Minutes. About half way through the special, Mike Wallace was interviewed. I was surprised to hear Morley Safer asking Mike Wallace if he had ever considered suicide. I stopped what I was doing to watch intently. I knew the answer. I have the same answer. Almost. Mike said “I have never said this in public to anyone before. Yes, I wrote a note, mu wife found it and my pills. Depression does things.”

I didn’t have a plan or write a note. I knew I was close to not wanting to live. I had people on alert to come help me with my surviving son if I felt I needed treatment. I knew I would not commit suicide, but I deeply wanted to. I knew what happened to the people you leave behind. I no longer feel that way, my heart and mind are still healing, but I am far from that place where I didn’t want to live anymore.

The trigger – the death of a child. But some people suffer depression that is triggered by much less. That doesn’t make their depression any “less” severe than mine was. I got help. Mike got help. But depressions doesn’t just go away because you take drugs, or meditate or see a counselor or psychiatrist. Most people that suffer depression hide it. They feel like they shouldn’t be depressed, their life may be great and they don’t understand where the depression comes from.

They don’t talk to anyone. Then one day there is an extra pressure, extra stress and they take a step too far. If you are depressed, don’t think you are alone. When I opened up and told people I was on a specific medication suddenly many people were at my side – talking about what they are taking and how they want to be able to stop. Depression is a pervasive disease that wants to take your life away… slowly or all at once. It is actually the one condition you can cure through talking to the right people, and realizing you aren’t alone, and understanding that time heals.

If you are depressed, you aren’t alone, don’t feel ashamed or feel that you are a failure. If you aren’t depressed chances are you know someone that is. Don’t judge them. Talk to them.

Pivot Days

There are a lot of Pivot Days that are just part of life. The day your child is born, the day your parents or other family members die. Those are days that shape the everyday lives we live. But the majors, there are indeed majors that change the focus and direction of your life forever.

May 13, 1976 Engaged
May 13, 1990 Divorced
Sept 11, 2001
May 13, 2002
March 6, 2006
October 29, 2012

The unexpected days. The ones you don’t see coming or never had a chance to prepare for. For many getting engaged could be a predictable day. For me it was a total surprise. We almost broke up that day and instead he proposed to me. While I probably should have said no I said yes. That made that day a pivot day. I chose a course of action that changed my life.

My marriage was filled with lessons. I had three children. We were not a normal family but that isn’t for this story. The marriage didn’t last. I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted out of life and being mentally abused wasn’t part of that – for me or my children. Which leads to the next pivot day which coincided with the anniversary of the “engagement day” which is why I can remember both dates. I thought it was a familiar date and when I went to look for something in my son’s bedroom I found the banner from the baseball game where my husband proposed to me. It had the date written on it. How ironic I thought.

September 11, 2001 is a pivot day for not just me but for our country. There is too much to write here. I was living in NYC temporarily until that day. My life changed that day. The direction, the context, the future was all very different than it was on September 10th. My world didn’t crumble that day. It just changed drastically.

May 13, 2002 is the day my world crumbled. Hell it just plain blew up. My brain broke, my heart broke, my life changed forever. When you lose a child unexpectedly in a car accident there is a hole that is blown up in your heart that will never mend. That day I stopped being the rock that everyone leaned on. I told people straight up – I will not be strong, I will not be able to help you through this. I tried to stay the course and keep living my life the way I was before he died. It didn’t work. Breakdown, agoraphobia, chronic insomnia – just a few of the things I dealt with. Changes that were forced upon me.

Finally started to pull things together and wham. March 6, 2006 my second child died. Since my heart and mind were already broken this was another blow to healing. Don’t be happy because someone will die is the message I was getting. I was just in a haze. I had a job I enjoyed that I had just started. However I knew that unless I could do things a certain way I would not survive. The job wasn’t willing to accommodate me and I left. Breakdown was faster this time, agoraphobia again, insomnia because if I slept someone would die.

Life kept happening. Little pivot days, left that job, moved to another city, finally started to get through the haze and into life again. Fell in love, moved again. Accepted that I can’t sleep at night. I stay up late, work in the night. I live to my body and mind’s own beat. Finally convinced I can be happy and people won’t die. Took a long time for that. It really did.

October 29, 2012. Hurricane Sandy. We prepared for a couple feet of storm surge and got several feet instead. With waves. We didn’t lose any people thankfully. But we lost everything else. Pivot day for millions of people. Someone said that day was the worst day of their life. I looked them in the eye and said it wasn’t the worst in mine. I don’t care about losing “stuff” or even a place to live. You can find another place to live and buy more stuff.

I think I have had enough major Pivot Days. It is time to just live. The thing is that even though my life looks horrible on paper, it isn’t. I’m happy. I have a man that I love that loves me. I have a daughter and grandson. I may be renting and can’t live life exactly the way I want to but I have survived the pivots.

I live close to nature, I work for myself. I live life on my terms. I just hope the next pivot day is a happy one. I know where I want to live and who I want to share my life with. I take each day as it comes. I can’t look too far ahead. I can’t look too far behind.

They say live for today. I am proof that you have to do that. Enjoy your kids, enjoy your life. Today is yours, tomorrow could be a pivot day, for better or worse.

The Day Your Child is Born

The day your child is born you know your life will change. Sometimes you don’t understand the depth and breadth of that change and that might be a good thing. If we knew where life would take us some folks that don’t think they are strong enough might decide to not take that path.

At 18 I told friends and family I would never have children, I would never get married. At 19 I was married and at 20 I was a mom. At 24 I was a mom of three and 2 were physically disabled with a genetic condition called Spinal Muscular Atrophy.

I woke early July 18, 1978 – my due date was 3 days prior. I had contractions but at strange intervals. 10 minutes, then 5, then 2, then back to 10. Not horrible but enough to call the Doctor and head to the hospital. We got settled in and around noon the dr said we can wait or we can induce. We decided to induce and get this party started. I was in labor all night with my first 18 months before and didn’t want to repeat that experience.

Dr said great – it will be a few hours so I’ll be back later. They induced at around 1:30 and you were born at 2:20. With a different doctor although he was from the same office. All went well and later when my doctor came to see me he said “I didn’t think it would go that fast!”. The doctor that delivered Chris came in later that evening after my husband went home and he said “You need a glass of wine”. At that time in my life wine gave me heartburn so I passed on that offer. But he might have known something intuitively that I didn’t know yet.

Ironically the day Chris was born we got a letter from our beloved pediatrician that she was leaving pediatric general practice to go into pediatric psychiatric practice. We were devastated but as luck would have it she referred us to a wonderful pediatrician that wasn’t accepting new patients. It ended up being a perfect match for us. Dr. Richard Darling was one of the best constants in our life in the years to come.

All went well, better than with big sister Elizabeth that had an issue with a muscle in her esophagus that made her projectile vomit after every bottle. She was over it by the time Chris was born, once she was on solid food all was well.

We bought a house, a two bedroom apartment wasn’t big enough. It was a small cape cod style. The night we moved in Chris became very ill. His temperature was 104 and he was only 7 weeks old so that scared us significantly. We went to the ER of the hospital where he was born only to be sent to a different ER because they didn’t have pediatrics.

This became one of the scariest nights of my life. My husband went to park the car after we were put in a room. They gave me ice for Chris and the nurse left. There were no cell phones back then – it was 1978. Once you were in a room in an ER you didn’t think it was ok to go wandering around. After a fairly long time I started hearing talking in the adjacent room. Please remember I am in a room by myself with a 7 week old baby that I think might die because no one is coming to check on us and his temperature is so high. I hear the conversation in the next room and it is the doctors telling a family that their son didn’t survive a car accident. Little did I know then that I would be the one in another hospital with another son hearing those words. That is a story for another day.

My husband returned to the room finally and explained they wouldn’t let him back in because of the car accident victims being brought in and the ER was on lockdown. A nurse and doctor finally also came in and Chris was admitted to the hospital. He hadn’t had a bottle in hours and they were worried it might be meningitis so didn’t want him to have too much fluids. However they did give me a bottle and that baby sucked the whole thing down in one gulp! Once Chris was settled in the ward they told me to go get some rest, back then they didn’t encourage or even hear of, parents staying with their children in the hospital. It is the ONLY time I left my child alone in the hospital.

Over the course of a few days they determined it was probably viral meningitis and I would know for sure in a few weeks but that it was safe to take him home. He was weaker than before he got sick and we were concerned but after a couple months he started to get his strength back. In the following months I had a miscarriage and life was pretty busy. Chris had started to regain his strength then stopped. He pulled himself to his knees, crawled, sat up and that was it. Never stood up. They were still blaming his illness.

Finally my pediatrician decided it was time to do some testing and Chris was admitted to the hospital for a couple of days so they could do spinal taps, blood work and collect urine – from a baby none of those things are easy. Since we were at a teaching hospital we were included on rounds for the neuro doctors because there was something they didn’t understand about Chris. They were going on the assumption he was partially paralyzed below the waste however he could wiggle his feet. Picture 10 doctors and students standing around your 16 month old son staring at his feet. It was fairly comical at the time.

The tests came back and Chris didn’t have meningitis at all when he was 7 weeks old. He had Echo Encephalitis. It acted like a polio on his system. We started physical and occupational therapy. Then I got pregnant with his brother Dan and that healthy baby got to 8 months old and couldn’t stand up either. At that point more tests were ordered and we found out what they both had. If I didn’t have the miscarriage and have Dan I don’t know how long it would have been before we found out what Chris really had. I already told a lot of that story in this article about how I used the internet to find out more and about how we used technology to make their lives better.

Through the years I supported my children in anything they wanted to do. We traveled, we advocated both loudly and quietly. When Chris was in kindergarten he had a surgery that required him to lay flat for several weeks. We rented a reclining wheelchair that allowed him to be flat but mobile and his teacher had him come to school in it. I flew to California multiple times with both boys. That will be a post of it’s own, flying with 2 young men that can’t sit up with power chairs that the airline screwed around with…

They had friends whose parents made sure Chris and Dan could get into their houses. When Chris and I traveled when he was older we had friends that made ramps so he could get into their houses. No one felt sorry for either of my sons. They lived their lives on their terms and people loved them as they were.

Children change your life the day they are born. Some more than others. The day Chris was born a life was set in motion that would take the word “normal” out of my vocabulary. But there is absolutely nothing “wrong” with not being normal. I wouldn’t trade my life with my children for anyone else’s.

A couple more articles about my boys:

How the Internet – Not Yet the WWW – Helped Me Find Info on My Sons’ Disease

For Chris

179 – Milestone

Why on earth would someone that is 5’2″ be happy about weighing 179 pounds?

This is gonna be long so get a cup of tea, coffee or a glass of wine and get settled in.

Seven years ago my doctor changed my blood pressure medicine from one prescription to another because my health insurance didn’t cover the one I had been taking. About a week later I noticed I gained 3 pounds. Then next day I gained 3 more pounds. For seven days I gained 3 pounds a day. That is 21 pounds in one week!!! I was starting to panic. I hadn’t changed what I eat, I hadn’t changed my activity level, I hadn’t been sick. Then it stopped. Still hadn’t changed anything. Finally made the connection to the medication. The doctor said it had to be something else.

Earlier in the year I had weighed 165 and hadn’t noticed my weight going slowly up over the next several months. When the 7 days of 3 pounds a day started I weighed 179. It has taken me 7 years to take that 21 pounds back off.

I don’t drink soda. I drink tea straight up (without milk or sugar or honey). I have a variety of teas I drink but I have 3 that are my daily drinkers. I drink bottled water. For years it was Smart Water and now it is Essence pH balanced water. Tap water and other bottled waters give me instant heartburn so don’t start with the “bottled water is a waste” comments 🙂 In a pinch I can drink Reverse Osmosis filtered water – we have that where we live now and have the past 3 houses in Arizona. I use the RO water for tea. But that is now, then I drank Smart Water and tea. No soda, no sweet drinks, no diet drinks.

Seven days to put on 21 pounds and seven years to take it off. Think about that.

Over the past seven years I have done a lot of research, had a lot of health issues and learned a lot about my body and how it reacts to stress and nature. I had some intense underlying issues that will be a topic for another day but they relate in that my body was under a lot of pressure. Stress, grief, anxiety are a few contributing factors.

For the next few years my weight hung out between 195 and 202. I wasn’t happy about it but diets never worked for me and I had friends that did they whole Nutra-system or other “diets” that lost a lot of weight and then gained back double. In the meantime I was diagnosed with thyroid issues – while undergoing tests for rheumatoid arthritis. I was being treated for high blood pressure, insomnia, anxiety, RA (which I don’t have), thyroid, fibromyalgia among other things. I was in constant pain, I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t have energy. The thyroid medication started helping with some things but not others and the doctor kept piling prescriptions on me because well that is what doctors do. The insurance covers drugs – insurance covers the tests – insurance covers the doctor visits – insurance covers everything to keep you unhealthy.

Think about that the next time you don’t do something because “insurance doesn’t cover it”. Like acupuncture or other alternative health options. Like not taking supplements but will take a prescription drug.

I had a heart “episode”. Stayed overnight in a NYC hospital – that will NOT happen again. If I have a health emergency in NYC in the future I will take a train to New Jersey before going back into a NYC hospital. I survived that hospital visit but several people admitted when I was did not. Followed up with a full cardiac workup by the cardiologist brother of my primary care doctor. And yes I paid out of pocket for tests not covered by insurance. He didn’t find any issues and thankfully my pile of daily pills didn’t grow.

Diabetes was added to my list of diagnoses in the summer of 2012. I was up to 15 medications when Hurricane Sandy hit in October 2012.

After Hurricane Sandy destroyed our home, our town and my doctor’s office with all my records (no they weren’t computerized *sigh*) FEMA brought in a trailer with some doctors that could write prescriptions for those of us that couldn’t access their own doctor. The FEMA doctor looked over my med list and started asking “Did you have this issue before you started taking that drug?” There were at least 5 medications that *caused* the issues that required me to take additional medications. Including diabetes.

Let me say that again – I was prescribed a medication for insomnia/anxiety that caused me to develop diabetes. That is the one that sticks in my mind.

I’ve lost 10 pounds since moving to Green Valley, Arizona in November 2016 – 5 months ago. When I got consistently to the low 180s it hit me that 179 was the magic number. That was the number when I would need to start writing about this journey. I’ve been in the low 180s range a couple times over the last 3 years but always bounced back to the 189 – 192 range rather quickly. I haven’t see the 170s since 2010.

Stay tuned for more of the journey that includes reducing to only one prescription (which is a natural version of my thyroid medication and that I have been able to start reducing), supplements, essential oils, nature, meditation and the final piece of the puzzle has been crystal elixirs. Healing with all natural products and not having to go gluten-free or try fad diets or other disruptive stuff. My doctor is an NMD – meaning she is a naturapath and MD. Finding her was part of the key to my finally getting where I am.

Being in Arizona has been key to getting control of my health. I know the whole world can’t move here – and sorry I don’t want you all too lol – but the lessons along the way will help you where ever in the world you live.

But you have to break free of the “insurance and drugs fix all” mentality.

I still eat pizza and ice cream. I love sandwiches – with healthier breads. More on that in the coming posts.